I’d have fought the world for you, If I thought you wanted me to. Or put aside what was true or untrue, If I’d known that’s what you needed me to do. But the moment has passed by me now To have put away my pride, and just come through for you somehow… -Sky Blue and Black by Jackson Browne I love how the lyrics reflect a realization that he could have responded to the woman’s needs differently. When we accept that there are a 1000 ways to respond to every situation, life becomes far more entertaining. I will share an experience and ask you to forgive the swearing. In my usual rush I was scurrying to another city to complete an assessment. I pulled into a drive-thru to pick up lunch, but didn’t realize there were 10 cars in line ahead of me until I drove around the building. I was backing up before I turned completely around, and soon realized I was cruising backwards about 1 inch from the side of a beautiful hand painted nature scene on the side of a Camaro. I hadn’t hit the car, but was dangerously close and I could see the driver, about 18 years old, was furious. So I pulled ahead and rolled down my window to apologize. He hopped out of his car, and wanting to fight me yelled, “Fucker!” It’s sort of an absurd term to yell at someone. Do you respond, yes I am or no I’m not? I was thinking, he’s making it difficult but I should apologize anyway. Before I could start, he shouted again, “Fucking prick!” I have to give him that one. I can be a prick sometimes, and if I am a prick, that is the kind I’d like to be. Plus, this is how my mind works: “He just gave me a free psychological assessment.” If he wanted me to say that about him it would cost him. So I smiled and said, “You’re very observant,” and rolled on. The beauty of the world is that we don’t need to respond as we are expected. I was visiting my daughter, Nicolette, and my 3 year old granddaughter last weekend. Kaycee, 3, was singing loudly when Nicolette answered the phone. Nicolette asked her to quiet down a little so she could hear. Kaycee told her, “I can’t. This part is fortissimo!” I couldn’t argue. That part was meant to be sung very loudly. People who are in trouble are always arguing about where the line should be, or defining questionable behavior as in the “gray area.” One troubled adolescent told me, “I wish there was a punch card, so we knew just how close we were to going to hell.” In other words, he didn’t want to be any nicer than he absolutely had to be. 50 Shades of Gray, now Darker, pushes the lines between romance and patriarchy, consent and abuse. For me, it’s much better to focus on the man I want to be, as opposed to worrying where the line is. If I want to be a helpful resource for others, I can’t walk the line between moral and immoral. It’s too dangerous for everyone I reach a hand out to help. If I’m walking the line, they might get the hand on the wrong side. At the same time, I can honestly understand my detractors. I’ve said an abundance of stupid things either in anger or bad humor that I wish I could retract. So I don’t justify those comments. I learn. (Learning by definition is a change in behavior as a result of experience.) Maybe I don’t always learn fast, but I learn. Do I restrict my entertainment to high quality educational material? No. There are days I come home from work, where I don’t want to watch anything with any depth. The very shows or music I used to detest for being mindless, are just fine. When my son Shane faced cancer and went through radiation and chemotherapy, I didn’t want to watch anything that resembled reality in my free time. Reality was too painful. With God’s grace, a lot of science, his wonderful wife Rachael, and fight, Shane made it through. To quote Bob Marley, “You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only option.” Difficult moments give us a new appreciation of love. In Murder Book, the main character has a reflection I would like to share: Being with Serena made me the luckiest man on earth. Psychologists point out that we are driven by thirst, hunger, and sex. But it’s not that simple. I had all of those before I met Serena. Sociologists would add a desire for power to the formula, but they’re wrong. It only feels like power from the outside. Our most powerful drive is a desire for affirmation—to be heard, understood, comforted, and soothed. Serena and I shared an affirming, passionate synchrony I couldn’t experience with anyone else. While passion sells movies, understanding and comfort maintains love. Fortunately, the three don’t need to occur exclusively. I need to end with some bad humor. This is a conversation I had with a man who laboriously stretched out words with a drawl as he spoke. I had seen the man a couple days earlier with his glasses intact, but today he had white athletic tape wrapped around the piece connecting the lenses. I asked, “What happened?” “Car accident.” I considered this. “I thought they took away your license.” “I wasn’t driving.” “Was the driver injured?” “I was walking.” “You got hit by a car walking, and the only thing damaged is your glasses?” “The car wasn’t moving.” I told him, “I give up. You’re going to have to tell me.” “It was a nice day, and I was walking along, looking around, and I walked right into the side of a parked Winnebago, and busted my glasses.” More bad comedy… Remember the phrase, “Work like you don’t need the money and dance like no one is watching.” A young woman told me, “My mom always said, ‘Dance like you don’t need the money.’” When I dance and sing, it’s at everyone else’s expense... But I still do … Thanks for listening! Frank
4 Comments
|
AuthorFrank F. Weber is a forensic psychologist specializing in homicide and sexual and physical assault cases. He uses his unique understanding of how predator’s think, knowledge of victim trauma, actual court cases, and passion for writing true crime thrillers. His Award Winning books include "Murder Book" (2017) "The I-94 Murders" (2018) "Last Call" (2019) and "Lying Close" (September 2020). Archives
April 2024
Categories |